I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
