Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
