his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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