Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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