Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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