there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
