just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
that's an acceptable place to lick
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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