I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
