Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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