your room smells of hookers.
And success
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
