mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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