The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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