Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
