I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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