i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
