I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Let's paint friendship bongs
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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