I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
