Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
