I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
