She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
