They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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