I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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