Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I stole a fireplace last night.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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