atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
