Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
