Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
