So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
why do cheetos always look like penises
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
