remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
