I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
