I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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