So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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