Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
love makes seman taste better
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
