i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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