she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
