there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
