I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
