I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
