Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
