oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
