Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
