ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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