Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
