I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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