if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
