Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
