im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
