I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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