"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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