wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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