Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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